3/28/11

Tony's Finch Diner Files For Clicheruptcy

Tony’s Finch Diner was established in 1995 and has been the diner of choice for countless Goldfinches, Purple Finches and House Finches. In spite of a crappy economy, in the Spring of 2009, Tony decided to franchise the Diner. He didn’t let any grass grow under his feet and by the end of 2010 there were three Tony’s Finch Diners feeding the neighborhood’s Finch population. Judging from the Tweets on Twitter, Tony’s Finch Diners have been a success but anyone with a bird brain could have seen that success would be fleeting. Most analysts looked at the Finch diner expansion as a classic case of the grass looking greener on the other side.

Notwithstanding predictions of failure, Tony developed what he considered a sure fire business plan. The plan simply called for Tony eating like a bird and relying on birds of a feather to flock together. This would result in improved health, which would result in reduced health costs thus providing for the influx of Finches to his feeders. The reduced health costs would be more than enough to cover the rising cost of thistle and he'd be the toast of the business world. The strategy did result in fewer medical visits and procedures in 2010 but by 2011 it became clear that in spite of improved health, health costs were actually ballooning or more to the point were flying out of control. At the end of the day, reduced health costs could not be relied upon to cover the rising cost of thistle . The business model was in a complete meltdown. It was a case of too much business ruining the business. The return on investment was miniscule.

A little bird told this reporter, that starting this Spring, two Tony's Finch Diners will fly the coop, leaving only one Tony’s Finch Diner open for business. When asked to comment, Tony confirmed the rumor, stating a bird in the hand’s worth two in the bush. He emphatically said that he has Tweeted Mother Nature about his plan to downsize and reminded her of her responsibility for feeding Finches. He also mentioned that hopefully his neighbor’s feeder will pick up some of the feeding (Tony never understood why his feeders were so popular while the neighbors feeder’s thistle consumption was hardly enough to feed a bird).

Upon further questioning, Tony also revealed that he seriously considered throwing in the towel and becoming free as a bird. Asked to explain himself, Tony said he was not about to sing like a bird. The interview ended abruptly when Tony unceremoniously gave this reporter the bird.

Ed Note: In spite of all the lame excuses about rising health costs, an anonymous source has revealed that the owner of Tony’s Finch Diners is just too damn lazy to operate more than one diner. It has also been reported that Mother Nature Tweeted Tony and informed him in no uncertain terms that she never asked for his help and was perfectly capable of taking care of her own. When asked to comment, Tony’s response was that there will always be a Tony’s Finch Diner and that he was planning a new venture for 2011 - an upscale Humming Bird Bar where Humming Birds could wet their whistle with Tony's special nectar. When told that this was not compatible with the reasons he has previously given for downsizing his Finch diners, he responded that thanks to new funding and his formula for nectar he had a sure fire plan for his new venture. He did not reveal the source of his funding

1 comment:

Charles Leck said...

This is your best blog -- EVER! I loved it. I think I'll send it on to my congressman and tell him somethings got to be done in the way of a stimulus plan to save Tony's Finch Diner. A few billion ought to take care of you, oughtn't it? Chas