Don't Answer It

Earlier this year, I brought my phone service into the twenty-first century and added Caller ID. Little did I know what a life saver it would be during a presidential election campaign. It may be my imagination but it seems that calls requesting political donations or calls purporting to be some kind of a survey are far more frequent and numerous in this campaign than in past campaigns. Could it be because of SCOTUS opening up the flood gates with its ruling that corporations are people? Whatever the reason, Alexander Bell’s contraption keeps chirping away seeking my ear from mid-afternoon into early evening. If it weren’t for the Caller ID feature on my phone, I wouldn’t have time to eat a decent meal or enjoy a quiet evening. Not exactly a good way to lose weight or stay awake.

I keep getting calls from Washington, D.C., I suspect its Barak inviting me to dinner or seeking my views on national affairs. So far I’ve ignored the calls and passed them on to my answering machine. He must be pissed, he never leaves a message. Caller ID identifies calls from places I’ve never heard of, like Big Bend, WI. I Googled Big Bend and found that it is a metropolis of 1290 people evenly divided between males and females. No information about sexual orientation. What surprised me is that the median income is about $68,000. One of these days I’m going to answer a call from Big Bend just to find out what an affluent cheese maker sounds like.

Then there’s Napoleon, Ohio. It turns out that it’s a small town in Northwest Ohio with a much lower median income than Big Bend. I probably should answer some of the calls from Napoleon before its funds dry up and it meets its Waterloo.

The private number calls present a challenge. I choose to ignore them and let my answering machine do the talking. In almost every case the private number machine doing the calling does not want to interact with my answering machine doing the answering - very snobbish. Still it makes sense. Since it is a private number, it does not want to share it with me, it just wants to intrude on my privacy.

I forgot to mention that if I’m watching TV and the phone rings, the Caller ID information flashes on the TV screen. I don’t even have to get off my ass to check my phone. How did I ever get along without such a feature? I understand that new phones have audio Caller ID. I have mixed feelings about that. During a political campaign there are so many calls that a phone constantly announcing who is calling would drive me up a wall. They should leave well enough alone (have you ever wondered who “well enough” is and why everyone picks on him?).

If Congress ever decides to do some legislating, it should come up with a law regulating political phone calls. Making them illegal would suit me fine.

On the bright side of things its down to 35 days before we select the savior of our country. After that, my Caller ID will receive a much needed rest.