The Problem With Heaven

A brisk walk in the morning can do wonders for one's physical well being. Unfortunately, it can also raise hell with one's mental well being. Absurd? Not in my case.

On my daily walk I encounter all kinds of creatures. Most have an ear problem. An Ipod stuck in their ear, a cell phone stuck in their ear, a radio stuck in their ear or even a hearing aid. They seem content with their surroundings and generally are sociable with their wave or "good morning". Then there are those creatures like this writer who make their walk without the benefit of any ear paraphernalia. A quarter of a mile into the walk they start thinking and steaming. No music to calm them down, no friend to console them, no pundit to influence their political leanings - just those creaky wheels trying to stimulate their brain.

 The thinking walker is trapped! He suddenly feels that he must resolve the problem of the day facing mankind. Heaven forbid, this morning the problem was heaven. A glance up at  a calm. beautiful blue sky started the creaky wheels . Was that heaven on the fringes of that sky? Is there a heaven? Who goes to heaven? Is there an alternative to heaven? Does a GPS help a soul get there? Whats a soul?

There are answers to all these questions . Any church, mosque or temple has its version of heaven. Obviously this must mean that there is more than one heaven. Does that conflict with the concept of one heaven that we have always been taught? Not if your willing to believe that there are states of heaven. The representatives of these states must have met in a place like Philadelphia and organized The United States of Heaven. That's why we usually speak of heaven as though it was one place.

Now I was steaming. This concept of heaven makes sense but it was loaded with problems. Does each state of heaven pursue its own agenda? How does heaven deal with diversity? Are souls colorless? Is immigration to other states permitted? What happens to all those virgins after the suicide bombers are done with them? Are they sent to the Catholic heaven? Are whore houses legal there? If God rules heaven, is he elected? Is God a he? What about the trinity? Does a committee rule? If so , is heaven a communist state? Do souls get wings so that they can fly all over and save gas? Does a soul have any mass? Is everyone in heaven really good? If so why doe heaven boast about that guy called Archie or as some prefer  Michael? Is my favorite pet permitted in heaven? Does heaven have a budget?

The questions about heaven were countless and as I neared the end of my walk I was sweating profusely. Not from the walking but the thinking. I finally concluded that in reality I was living in heaven. If heaven is full of problems and the good old USA is full of problems, I might as well save myself the trip. We may think we are living in  hell on earth but really its heaven on earth unless you believe that heaven can be hell in which case you should stick an Ipod up your f#$@ing  #ss. ( The foregoing is a good example of what a morning walk can do to your mind.)

I passed these thoughts along to my high primal thinker spouse who doubles as a pseudo shrink and was advised that for my own safety I should confine my walking and thinking to a treadmill in our home, away from those happy , thoughtless creatures with things stuck in their ears.

No comments: