A Stroll Down Statuary Lane

Last October, our nomadic spirit took over and we relocated to a new neighborhood. The neighborhood is everything my spouse anticipated. Lovely homes, beautiful landscaping and quiet. It’s quiet to the point of distraction. In fact at times it is almost eerie.

The eerie feeling comes from the abundance of lawn statuary. A preponderance of our neighbors have chosen to grace their property with cement figures. One gets the feeling that Merlin took a stroll down the street and cast a spell, turning everything into stone. Walking down “ Statuary Lane” is like walking through a memorial garden.

Squirrels scamper all over the place but ironically, several homes sport a huge rock with a cement squirrel poised on top. Evidently looking at a live squirrel climbing a tree was too boring. The live squirrels do not seem to be impressed by the squirrel monument. Judging from the droppings on the monument, birds and doves are appreciative.

The neighborhood is made up mostly of near senior and senior adults. Children are rarely seen running around except on an occasional visit to their grandparents . Apparently some children do not visit grandpa and grandma often enough, so grandpa invested in stone children and placed them in his garden. They are cute, quiet and require little maintenance or attention.

Then there are those who always wanted a pet but did not want the responsibility of caring for a pet. No problem, just place a stone dog or cat by the front door or in the garden. I’ve noticed that real live dogs are attracted to these rigid animals. They piss all over them. Peace in the neighborhood is sometimes disrupted when the stone dog owner confronts the live dog owner. After all he didn’t bargain for the responsibility of cleaning up Stoney.

Last but not least we have the religious neighbor who is too lazy to go to church. Adorning his lawn is a shrine. Another attraction for a dog with a bladder problem. I understand that the type of care given to the shrine determines whether the homeowner will go directly to Heaven or will be required to spend an indeterminate amount of time in Purgatory.

As for me I’ll live with the squirrels rummaging for food, the chipmunks burrowing under the patio, the birds at my feeder, the occasional deer prancing across the property and the visits from my daughter‘s real live dog. “ Statuary Lane” is my home’s location but my home has not entered the stone age.

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