My Love Affair

For forty-seven years I have been having an affair with the full approval of my wife ( no, she is not French). It seems like yesterday that my neighbor and good friend introduced me to the Weber family. Susie Weber flashed her lid at me and it was love at first sight! I welcomed Susie into my home but my wife insisted that this new relationship had to be confined to the garage and outdoors. No matter, even in inclement weather Susie had a fire in her belly and provided all the passion I needed for hours of grilling bliss. After ten years that fire went out and Susie expired. Before her demise she insisted that I take up with one of her younger friends. Reluctantly I put Susie to rest as a flower planter and embraced Rosie Weber. Rosie proved to arouse as much grilling passion as Susie. Our affair continued for an amazing fifteen years but the day came when I had to call off our relationship. Retirement beckoned me to Florida and Rosie did not fit into my plans. It was so long ago that I do not remember who latched on to her. All I remember is that I put her out on the street.

I had not been in Florida long before I got an urge for a Weber again. Hastily I took up with an underage Weber called Josie a.k.a. Smokey Joe . Smokey Joe was OK but for my needs was an under performer. Smokey Joe however, did not suffer the fate of Rosie. She went into storage. I then committed a mortal sin. I took up with a gas grill whose name I will not mention. The unfaithfulness I experienced was devastating. I couldn’t stand it any longer and sent the gas grill to grill heaven - I mean grill hell.

I got in touch with the Weber family and begged their forgiveness for having deserted them. They were most gracious in introducing me to Wanda. We hit it off immediately. Our affair lasted until 2004 when Wanda’s legs gave out and she begged me to put her in a rest home. Unfortunately the only rest home available was the apartment complex dumpster. I will never forgive myself for having treated Wanda so shabbily.

After years of a relationship with Webers I was at a loss as to how to properly satisfy my lust for grilling. I did not want an ugly , unfaithful gas grill. I had about decided to stroll through the shopping center stores hoping to attract another Weber when I suddenly remembered that Smokey Joe was still around . She had been in storage since 1987. Oh was she glad to come out! Smokey Joe was my faithful grilling amour for three years until one day I discovered she had a terminal illness, her underbelly was rusting out. I carried Smokey Joe unceremoniously to the dumpster and contemplated my next move. I could not give up grilling. I reluctantly admitted that as my Webers had been aging so had I. Now I fell victim to one of those old age syndromes. Another Weber might outlast me. Why invest in a high priced call girl when I could get a cheap slut. Off to Wal-Mart and back home with the slut. After three weeks I realized there was no grilling passion with the slut. I sold her on e-bay to the highest bidder ( it hardly covered the cost of the listing).

I had to have another Weber. Fortunately Wal-Mart had a price roll back on some sexy Webers. A Smokey Joe again graces my patio. She may outlive me but hey, she holds ashes doesn’t she.