2/27/14

No to making Opening Day a federal holiday

Some former ball players are trying to get Congress to make baseball's Opening Day a federal holiday. My first reaction is that these old codgers are starving for publicity. My second reaction is that the idea is absurd.

I submit that Opening Day has been a "people's holiday" for decades. Baseball fans have already made it a holiday to rival any federal holiday. Putting a stamp of  'federal holiday' on it raises the possibility that spontaneous joys such as skipping school or calling in sick on a job in order to get to the ballpark will be lost. There is no need of government messing around with what is already a special day for millions. No seal of approval is warranted. It is a done deal. Furthermore, if the big box stores get wind of this movement, they will degrade the day with Opening Day Sales. No to making Opening Day a federal holiday!

My third reaction is ho-hum. Not to worry, Congress is too busy taking a holiday from legislating. Besides, fans (the 99 per-centers that is) are too busy making ends meet to sign any petition.

If Congress wakes up and sees this movement as an opportunity to gain favor with the electorate, I hope some congressman adds an amendment requiring the Cleveland Indians to retire Chief Wahoo.

2/24/14

Downton Abbey Season 4

At the end of Season 3 of Downton Abbey I boldly made some predictions about Season 4. I came out as a footman - holding the bag!


-Tom Branson the widowed Irish Mick will bed the widowed Lady Mary and together they will rule Downton Abbey
Tom and Lady Mary made inroads on ruling Downton Abbey but never went down the road to Lady Mary’s bedroom.
-Lady Edith will bed the newspaper editor, get pregnant and give birth to a cub reporter.
Lady Edith did her part but Michael went missing in action in Germany. This is obviously a setup for Season 5.
-Mr. Barrow and James agreed to be friends in tonight’s episode but Season 4 will see them both coming out of the closet and resume Barrow’s failed attempt to bed James. Barrow referring to him as Jimmy is the tip off.
In Season 4, Barrow came off as a prick but never showed his sexuality.
- The Season 4 shocker will be Carson the butler bedding Mrs. Hughes the housekeeper.
Holding hands in the last episode doesn't cut it. Another setup for Season 5?
- The wild card in Season 4 will be Cousin Rose coming to live in Downton Abbey. It turns out that Rose is a nymphomaniac who beds all the footmen in sight.
Only half right. She doesn't F$#k footmen.
- Not surprisingly, the producers will change the name of this Masterpiece Classic to “Once Upon a Mattress”.
Missed again. Maybe they will latch on to my suggestion of Downtown Alley for season 5.

Oh well, there is always next season.

Season 5? Nazi Germany will be worked in as well as the affairs of the Prince of Wales. Tom the Mick will become an important politician. Lady Mary will bed Tony Gillingham but will marry the pig expert. Mrs. Crawley will become a Lady. Carson will retire and take Mrs. Hughes with him. Downton Abbey will suffer a fatal blow when the world financial markets take a dive. There will be no Season 6.

After Season 5, this reviewer will resort to watching movie reruns during the cold months of January and February instead of British soap operas. At least I can predict the plot (don't bet on it).

2/17/14

All Hail The Presidents

Today is Presidents' Day, a.ka. Washington's Birthday even though he was born on February 22. February 22 is important to me,, not because of Washington, but because my mother was born on February 22. I always thought it was cool that on my mother's birthday there were all kinds of sales. No longer,, President Day sales are a weekend event culminating on the third Monday of February. Washington gets to have two birthdays but my late Mother must be satisfied with one. If she were alive,, I'm sure she would have a few choice words about "George-the wash" having screwed up her birthday celebration.

Now about this business (and it is) of honoring our presidents with a federal holiday in February. I submit that it is unfair. More presidents were born in October than February- 14% vs 9%. Why not a Presidents' Day in October. It would be a good way of turning Halloween into a federal holiday. I think it is appropriate since most presidents scare the shit out of you. I doubt that the lobbyists would permit our representatives to take this action. We already have all kinds of Halloween sales. Adding a President Day sale at the same time does not make any economic sense. 


The idea of a Presidents' Day to honor our presidents is in need of review. I'm not comfortable with a special day devoted to our presidents. Heck, we are reminded everyday that the president is the most powerful person in the world (except in Washington, D.C.). As soon as we elect a president, the campaigning starts anew. The presidency is in the news everyday.


Instead of celebrating Presidents' Day on the third Monday of February, why not celebrate it on February 29th. Formally honoring our Presidents every four years should be sufficient.The retailers would protest but who cares. I'm sure that they will come up with a scheme to make February 29 the mother of all sales. Lincoln and Washington will care less,, they will always be first in the hearts of their countrymen everyday.. Best of all, we could use Presidents' Day as a platform for a winter sport competition. The blue states could compete with the red states in a winner take all event. Hmmm - sounds a bit like the presidential primary. Oh well, I'll leave it up to Congress which is equivalent to doing nothing.


( By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that in an effort to improve his ratings, Barack Obama is planning to celebrate his birthday on the third Monday of February.)

2/10/14

Downtown Alley - The Sequel To Downton Abbey

In last night's Downton Abbey episode we learned that Lord Grantham has been summoned to America by his wealthy mother-in-law to assist in some legal matters concerning a ner-do-well brother-in-law.  Mr. Bates, the Earl's valet of record, cannot accompany him since he is busy getting to the bottom of who raped his wife. As a result, Thomas, the creepy assistant butler, will accompany Lord Grantham. The starchy Lord would be in dire straights if he had to dress himself.

I mused a bit about Thomas and Robert (the Earl i.e.) being in old New York together. Wily Thomas and horny Robert are bound to get into shit up to their asses. This would have the makings of a sequel to Downton Abbey. I suggest that the sequel be named Downtown Alley.

I can see it clearly. Thomas gets a New York street walker to seduce Robert. In turn, Robert knocks up the streetwalker. All efforts to get her to have an abortion fail. It seems the street walker is also a Tea Partier and despite her liberal views on sex, she is adamant that every bastard conceived by a son of bitch has a right to life.

Fast forward sixteen years. In a dark alley, affectionately known as Downtown Alley, snuggled behind one of the Bronx's tenements, a fast talking young man, known as the Earl, with his sidekick, Tom is holding court over a bunch of juvenile delinquents. The Earl is explaining that the city's mayor has announced that the Bronx has been sold to a tribe of Native Americans and all the bastard residents have thirty days to vacate the alleys. The Earl went on to say, that he and Tom were stowing away on a boat bound for England. Tom had convinced him that he had a good shot at claiming an estate known as Downton Abbey.

At this point, I'll leave the subsequent story line (for a few pounds) to Justin Fellowes.

Ed Note: After publishing this post it occurred to me that years ago I watched a movie, The Earl of Chicago, which had some similarity to my Downtown Alley plot. I plead not guilty to the crime of plagiarism. Being a Prince (I was sometimes referred to as Il Principe in my youth), I throw myself upon the mercy of the House of Lords.

2/3/14

Fountain of Youth In A Bottle

As many times as I have been around the High Primal’s toilette collection, I failed to notice one particular Jergens lotion dispenser. Holy Cow! She had purchased the fountain of youth in a bottle. The fountain of youth eluded Ponce de Leon but not the shelves of Wal-Mart.

 Make no mistake about it, the label plainly proclaimed the lotion as “age defying”. Age defying to me means that the aging process is held in check. I wonder how long she has been caressing her body with this age defying lotion? Can’t be very long. She’s an attractive woman and doesn't look a day over seventy but the aging process is definitely there.

A glance at the fine print on the dispenser answered my question. The damn lotion only helps to turn back the clock on the signs of aging. The stuff wasn't even around when the High Primal and I first noticed those signs of aging - that first grey hair, a loose tooth, a need for glasses, short term memory decline - on and on.

So what is an age defying lotion doing in our house? If I were forty years younger I might come up with a reasonable answer. In the meantime, “hope springs eternal” will have to do.